bible – Mum in Zone One

Help for Adolescents

Why is it so hard to be a teenage boy? I don’t know because I’ve never been one. But I’m reliably informed by people who have, that it’s awful. Someone said to me the other day that being a 14 year old boy is the hardest thing in the world.

I’m aware there are harder things, but you hopefully get where I’m coming from. Friendships are hard to make or navigate; some boys that age are fully grown men (on the outside anyway) and some are really ‘cool’ and seem to find life easy. So many boys they feel like they’re the only ones struggling. So many boys who seem happy and confident at school go home and cry at the end of each day.

I know some boys are fine, and some girls are not. I’ve just had boys on my mind lately. I do wonder if kind friends help you weather the teen years, and boys are less likely to have close friends than girls. I also work in a boys’ school, so I know a lot more teen boys than girls. In any case, anyone who’s watched ‘Adolescence’ can see that some boys are finding life unbearably hard.

As a mother I find it really challenging. I want my children to be happy, and I hate not being able to fix their problems. (Gone are the days when a plaster and a cuddle will make everything right with the world.) I’ve tried different things. I’ve tried helping them to look at the positive things and to be thankful. I’ve tried pointing out that the boy who said something really mean was probably insecure himself. I’ve taught them that they need to be gracious. All these things are no doubt good things to do, although I’m not saying I do them well or at the right moment.

I was listening to Psalm 37 the other day and it struck me that it’s such a helpful psalm for a teenager who feels they’re being unjustly treated by their peers, or their teachers, or just that they’ve drawn the short straw again and again. Maybe they feel like they’re not good at anything or they hate their hair or they are genuinely being bullied.

As always, God’s word is amazing at putting into words the emotions we ourselves are feeling.

Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

The truth is, some people are going about their lives being really unkind and not feeling bad about it. The Bible is realistic about that. It might be hurtful, and it might be really annoying. But unless they turn to the Lord, all their success and happiness is fleeting. This is such valuable wisdom for a high school kid!

Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.

I can’t fix all my children’s problems. But I can point them to the Lord, and encourage them to find their joy in Him. I can acknowledge the hardship, and encourage them to trust the Lord amidst it all. We wait patiently for the day when he’ll put it all right.

Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

Do not fret. I know it’s not just me who sometimes has a child storm through the front door, indignantly ranting about something or other that has happened. This is not a good response, even if we can understand where they’re coming from. The Lord knows how we feel and he tells us not to fret.

If our children could grasp the truths of this psalm, then I believe they would be comforted enough not to fret.

The psalm goes on – it’s quite long. So much wisdom for us! How encouraging to know that we don’t need to have all the answers, and that the Lord helps us to articulate how we feel.

A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.

I’m not saying we should pray for kids at school to be destroyed. We long for them to turn to Christ and have their sins punished by him. But the comfort for us and our children is there: Yes, it is hard to be a teenager. But one day wrongs will be put right. If we can keep trusting him, we’ll be rewarded in the end with a crown we don’t deserve.

The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

A Life More Ordinary

How’s your November going? This to me is sitcom season. Not a month for watching sitcoms – no time for that! – but rather feeling like I’m starring in one.

You know what I’m talking about. It’s the time of year when at least one of your children seems to need a different item of clothing or a different donation to something or other every couple of days.

I have reminders in my phone and calendar alerts and notes on the fridge to help us all remember who’s supposed to have odd socks on Monday as well as their swimming kit, whose Christmas jumper day is Thursday and whose is Friday, which Christmas fair I’ve signed up for and which gift for the fair I’m supposed to bring in this Friday and is it own clothes day? Or PJs for Children in Need? Or is it a school trip? And whose Christmas performance clashes with somebody’s carol service.

You know. I know you know. My poor husband looks at his phone, bewildered, as more coded messages appear in his digital calendar. (I prefer a paper diary, but needs must. Survival is key and the digital calendar is what enables us to keep our heads above water.)
“What does MUN stand for?”
“Does the bottle tombola have anything to do with me?”
“Why does Thursday AM say ‘socks for prisoners’?”

Anyway, as you can see I’ve had a lot on my mind. I might even describe myself as frazzled. But still, on Sunday morning when someone asks what I did this week, I won’t have a decent answer. I feel like “washing and ironing” or “family logistics” don’t really encapsulate it. Most of it will all be forgotten in a few weeks’ time.

My children probably won’t remember much of this stuff when they’re older. And that’s OK. Life doesn’t have to be remarkable. Most of life is mundane. These things, so hard to keep on top of and remember, are not ground-breaking. Nobody is really going to make a sitcom of my life. It’s just not that interesting.

And do you know what? That’s fine! Most people’s lives are mundane most of the time. But God is faithful. He honours daily faithfulness. He doesn’t need me to break any records or leave a legacy. He just wants me to be faithful, one day at a time.

As you look back over the year, if “all” you’ve done is persevere, then that is wonderful. In a world of influencers and record-breakers, God doesn’t need us to be extraordinary. He’s the extraordinary one.

Look at Ruth, for example. Her life, whilst tragic, was not exactly full of adventure. As a widow, she moved to another country. I suppose that was adventurous. But then she was busy surviving – working in the fields to gather food for herself and her mother-in-law. Ordinary, daily faithfulness. And yet she ended up being in Jesus’ family tree, and being the subject of a whole book of the Bible.

God meets people in the mundane. A world of social media can make us believe that life is supposed to be spectacular all the time, or you’re doing it wrong.

But God has been with me as I’ve done the same school run over three thousand times, and he’ll be with me forever.

Our Christmas can be ordinary. It should be a joyful feast, yes! But it can be unassuming and humble, too. We can offer our celebrations to God, with gratitude in our hearts, and know that He can do whatever he wants with us.

Maybe you will change the world. But most of us won’t. When you look at the Christmas story, it’s full of ordinary people who are overjoyed at the birth of Jesus. Let’s be like them. Plus of course, you never know what God might do with you.

‘The women living there said, “Naomi has a son!” And they named him Obed. He was the father of Jesse, the father of David.’ Ruth 4.17.

It’s worth doing badly

I don’t know how you are with housework. I’m not very good at it. My gifts lie elsewhere. (Don’t worry, I still do it.)

One issue I have is that I’m (internally) a bit of a perfectionist. This is a paradox. I feel like if I’m going to clean, it needs to be done properly. It needs to be done well. And frankly I don’t have time for that right now. So I don’t do it.

It’s not just me. I’ve definitely read that this is an issue for other people (maybe Dana White for one?). Some people live in mountains of clutter because they feel like 10 mins of decluttering just won’t be enough. So they never do any.

If I’m going to clean my bathroom, I can’t just wipe around everything with an antibacterial wipe. No. I need to empty the room, sweep and mop, get the Cif out and give everything a scrub. So if I don’t have time for that, it can go weeks without any TLC. Whereas, rationally speaking, an antibacterial wipe down would be better than nothing.

This is why I believe that, very often, if a job’s worth doing then it’s worth doing badly. That’s if for some reason you can’t do it well. Maybe you’ve just had a baby, or you’re unwell, or it’s June and things are getting crazy. (If you’re in the USA, I think May is your equivalent of our June/July mayhem. Sadly Junehem isn’t a word.)

But I’m not here to tell you how to clean. We’ve got more important things to discuss.

Sometimes that same feeling of perfectionism stops us from reading our Bible or praying. It’s not just perfectionism, but there’s also a voice whispering to us that anything less than perfect will not be enough.

You can’t pray on your walk back from the school drop-off. That’s not good enough. You’ll be distracted.
You can’t read the Bible for three minutes on your phone will you’re waiting for the bath to fill up. You need to devote much longer to it, and do it in a peaceful, calm space.
You can’t just listen to a sermon while you’re ironing. You have to focus.

These thoughts that come to us, that stop us from praying, reading or listening, are not from the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is not the accuser. That’s what Satan’s name means. He’s the one who accuses. And he really does not want us to read our Bibles.

Speaking to and hearing from our God is the best thing we can do today. And if we can’t do it well, we should do it badly. Ideally we would do it well, but for now we could at least just do something. If my Bible time today is the equivalent of an antibac wipe around the basin, it’s better than the nothing I might have done yesterday. And (like the wipe) it will do enough good so that my family will benefit from it.

So when things are getting a little hot under the collar this month, let’s defy Satan and lock ourselves in the toilet and pray.

I’m grateful to Paul and Penny Dawson for their wise counsel, which led me to write this post.

Seven Myths about Hospitality

Can you remember a time when you were on the receiving end of some generous hospitality? I bet you can. Hospitality can cover a range of things, and I believe that Christian hospitality is about showing the welcome to others that the Lord has shown us. Put another way, we move towards people, because our God has moved towards us. Often those receiving a warm welcome will remember it fondly, long after the person offering it has forgotten all about it.

Is your Sunday church gathering welcoming? I hope so. That’s a form of hospitality. But if we look in the Bible, I think it’s clear that we’re expected to open our homes to people and share with them, as a way of showing them love. There are some people who cannot do this – but not many. So assuming you are like most people, I want to encourage you by sharing seven myths I think we often wrongly believe about hospitality.

When I searched ‘Hospitality’ on Biblegateway, it came up with seven times the word is used in the New Testament. Coincidence? (Yep.) So I’ve interspersed my ‘myths’ with quotes about hospitality, so you can see for yourself. (NB: Myths and quotes not necessarily especially related!)

Note that a couple of people are commended in God’s word for their hospitality. What an honour! God must think it’s worth mentioning.

Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Hebrews 13:2

You have to be good at baking
I think I used to believe this, but it is frankly ridiculous. There’s nothing in God’s word about having to be good at cooking or baking. People in the Bible did work hard at it, as far as I can tell. However, they didn’t have the mod cons we’ve got. As my mam says, ‘Grandma used to say that homemade is always best, but she didn’t shop at M&S.’

Having said that, I do think that the more love and time we invest in getting good at making something to bless people with, the more we’ll enjoy sharing it with those people. There is something special about eating something that someone has lovingly prepared with their own hands, even if it’s chocolate crispy cakes. (I’ve decided they’re one of my all-time favourite cakes, by the way. Give me an easter nest over a swanky French macaron any day of the year.)

But if you hate baking, don’t have the equipment, or don’t have time, then shop-bought with joy is still an absolute delight.

2. You have to entertain
As far as I can tell, entertaining is a performance. I’m showing my guests what I can do. That means that if they perform well for me when I go to their home, I’m obliged to perform just as well – or hopefully better! – when they visit me.

This is a lot of pressure. It’s also quite self-serving, when you really stop to think about it. If my aim is to impress my guests, and even make them feel inferior, then I’m not loving them. When we’re inviting people into our home, we’re not putting on a show: we’re inviting them to join in with something beautiful, which is a household living by God’s grace. “Come and see,” we’re saying to them. “The Lord is good.”

Even if you’re ‘entertained’ by someone else, why not try inviting them over and just serving them selflessly? If your home is small and scruffy compared to theirs, it’s an opportunity to boast in Christ. He’s all we need in our homes to have a good time.

No widow may be put on the list of widows unless she is over sixty, has been faithful to her husband, and is well known for her good deeds, such as bringing up children, showing hospitality, washing the feet of the Lord’s people, helping those in trouble and devoting herself to all kinds of good deeds. 1 Timothy 5:9-10

3. You have to have money and space
Hospitality does cost money, there’s no denying it. But God knows our means. He can use what I offer up in hospitality and bless people with it. Inviting someone in for a hot drink is probably something we can all afford to do. You could even ask them to bring the biscuits! (Shop-bought is fine.)

Let’s remember that the early church were poor. If God can enable them to be hospitable then he can certainly do it for us. We can pray and ask God to multiply our food so we have enough. We can put others first and see how the Lord provides everything we need.

Don’t underestimate the power of simple, humble hospitality offered in faith.

I’ve written before about how blessed I’ve been when people with very little space have invited me into their home. Not to put down anyone with lots of space, but when someone in a tiny one bedroom flat invites my entire family over for dinner, it’s the kind of humble, Christ-like selflessness that sticks with me.

We ought therefore to show hospitality to such people so that we may work together for the truth. 3 John 1:8

4. It’s a cultural thing
Some cultures are more hospitable than others. I recently visited a country which is known for its hospitality. I’m also northern, where people tend to pop round for a cup of tea without warning. But now I live in London, which is known for being inhospitable and where you have to book cups of coffee weeks in advance. So yes, hospitality is a cultural thing.

But the Kingdom of God is a hospitable culture. Our King welcomes anyone! So if we live in a community – like London – that’s not hospitable, it’s really easy for us to shine like stars by opening our homes to others. And if you’re not from a background that values hospitality, then you can rejoice! The Holy Spirit has made you new. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our family and friends noticed how much more welcoming we’re becoming, year after year?

[Publius] welcomed us to his home and showed us generous hospitality for three days. Acts 28.7

5. You have to be an extrovert
It’s great that people nowadays are often aware of how they’re energised, whether it’s by being alone or being with others. But God doesn’t command just the extroverts to practise hospitality. And he also knows us and what we need.

We all need to be around people, whether we find it draining or not. And remember that being hospitable doesn’t mean you have to be the life and soul of the party. You can go and wash the dishes while everyone else chats, if that’s what you need to do.

I’m not trying to burden anyone, but just as extroverts need time alone, praying and reading God’s word, so introverts need to spend time with other people, loving and serving them. And the Lord is so kind – he thwarts our plans when they would do us harm! (He’s cancelled many of my plans which in hindsight would’ve tipped me over the edge!)

Gaius, whose hospitality I and the whole church here enjoy, sends you his greetings. Romans 16:23

6. It’s just not for me.
Some people will find hospitality comes naturally to them and others won’t. Some people find prayer easier than others. Some people are naturally joyful and positive; others aren’t. But we’re all called to joy, prayer and hospitality. I do know some people who actually can’t invite people over for different reasons. But there are other ways to be hospitable, and I’ve seen these people find creative ways to show hospitality. You can invite people out for coffee or food. You can organise a social. You can invite yourself over to someone’s house and offer to cook. These are all ways to move towards people with love.

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.” Romans 12:12-13

7. It’s not important
Satan hates hospitality. If you don’t believe me, invite some people over. See how many ways you’re tempted to sin against your guests, your family, and anyone else who you come across. Or see how the thing you’ve cooked thirty-seven times before collapses or gets dropped. Or notice how plans have to be cancelled and rearranged over and over.

God’s word says, “How good and pleasant it is
when God’s people live together in unity!” Psalm 133.1
I’m convinced that hospitality is one way that unity is nurtured and maintained. Remember that the early church”devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.” Acts 2.42.
As we eat and drink with people, we’re either sharing fellowship or inviting people into the fellowship they could have in Christ. We’re imitating our generous God to those who know him or those who don’t. Satan hates this and the Lord loves it. Don’t underestimate it.

So if you consider yourself a pretty hospitable person or if you’ve never tried it – please be encouraged. Put on the armour of God and go out there and take the next step.

Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 1 Peter 4:9

Further reading: ‘Extraordinary Hospitality (For Ordinary People)‘ – read my thoughts on it here. Also ‘The Ministry of a Messy House’ by Amanda Robbie is a classic I keep coming back to.