god – Mum in Zone One

Help for Adolescents

Why is it so hard to be a teenage boy? I don’t know because I’ve never been one. But I’m reliably informed by people who have, that it’s awful. Someone said to me the other day that being a 14 year old boy is the hardest thing in the world.

I’m aware there are harder things, but you hopefully get where I’m coming from. Friendships are hard to make or navigate; some boys that age are fully grown men (on the outside anyway) and some are really ‘cool’ and seem to find life easy. So many boys they feel like they’re the only ones struggling. So many boys who seem happy and confident at school go home and cry at the end of each day.

I know some boys are fine, and some girls are not. I’ve just had boys on my mind lately. I do wonder if kind friends help you weather the teen years, and boys are less likely to have close friends than girls. I also work in a boys’ school, so I know a lot more teen boys than girls. In any case, anyone who’s watched ‘Adolescence’ can see that some boys are finding life unbearably hard.

As a mother I find it really challenging. I want my children to be happy, and I hate not being able to fix their problems. (Gone are the days when a plaster and a cuddle will make everything right with the world.) I’ve tried different things. I’ve tried helping them to look at the positive things and to be thankful. I’ve tried pointing out that the boy who said something really mean was probably insecure himself. I’ve taught them that they need to be gracious. All these things are no doubt good things to do, although I’m not saying I do them well or at the right moment.

I was listening to Psalm 37 the other day and it struck me that it’s such a helpful psalm for a teenager who feels they’re being unjustly treated by their peers, or their teachers, or just that they’ve drawn the short straw again and again. Maybe they feel like they’re not good at anything or they hate their hair or they are genuinely being bullied.

As always, God’s word is amazing at putting into words the emotions we ourselves are feeling.

Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

The truth is, some people are going about their lives being really unkind and not feeling bad about it. The Bible is realistic about that. It might be hurtful, and it might be really annoying. But unless they turn to the Lord, all their success and happiness is fleeting. This is such valuable wisdom for a high school kid!

Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.

I can’t fix all my children’s problems. But I can point them to the Lord, and encourage them to find their joy in Him. I can acknowledge the hardship, and encourage them to trust the Lord amidst it all. We wait patiently for the day when he’ll put it all right.

Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

Do not fret. I know it’s not just me who sometimes has a child storm through the front door, indignantly ranting about something or other that has happened. This is not a good response, even if we can understand where they’re coming from. The Lord knows how we feel and he tells us not to fret.

If our children could grasp the truths of this psalm, then I believe they would be comforted enough not to fret.

The psalm goes on – it’s quite long. So much wisdom for us! How encouraging to know that we don’t need to have all the answers, and that the Lord helps us to articulate how we feel.

A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.

I’m not saying we should pray for kids at school to be destroyed. We long for them to turn to Christ and have their sins punished by him. But the comfort for us and our children is there: Yes, it is hard to be a teenager. But one day wrongs will be put right. If we can keep trusting him, we’ll be rewarded in the end with a crown we don’t deserve.

The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

It’s worth doing badly

I don’t know how you are with housework. I’m not very good at it. My gifts lie elsewhere. (Don’t worry, I still do it.)

One issue I have is that I’m (internally) a bit of a perfectionist. This is a paradox. I feel like if I’m going to clean, it needs to be done properly. It needs to be done well. And frankly I don’t have time for that right now. So I don’t do it.

It’s not just me. I’ve definitely read that this is an issue for other people (maybe Dana White for one?). Some people live in mountains of clutter because they feel like 10 mins of decluttering just won’t be enough. So they never do any.

If I’m going to clean my bathroom, I can’t just wipe around everything with an antibacterial wipe. No. I need to empty the room, sweep and mop, get the Cif out and give everything a scrub. So if I don’t have time for that, it can go weeks without any TLC. Whereas, rationally speaking, an antibacterial wipe down would be better than nothing.

This is why I believe that, very often, if a job’s worth doing then it’s worth doing badly. That’s if for some reason you can’t do it well. Maybe you’ve just had a baby, or you’re unwell, or it’s June and things are getting crazy. (If you’re in the USA, I think May is your equivalent of our June/July mayhem. Sadly Junehem isn’t a word.)

But I’m not here to tell you how to clean. We’ve got more important things to discuss.

Sometimes that same feeling of perfectionism stops us from reading our Bible or praying. It’s not just perfectionism, but there’s also a voice whispering to us that anything less than perfect will not be enough.

You can’t pray on your walk back from the school drop-off. That’s not good enough. You’ll be distracted.
You can’t read the Bible for three minutes on your phone will you’re waiting for the bath to fill up. You need to devote much longer to it, and do it in a peaceful, calm space.
You can’t just listen to a sermon while you’re ironing. You have to focus.

These thoughts that come to us, that stop us from praying, reading or listening, are not from the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is not the accuser. That’s what Satan’s name means. He’s the one who accuses. And he really does not want us to read our Bibles.

Speaking to and hearing from our God is the best thing we can do today. And if we can’t do it well, we should do it badly. Ideally we would do it well, but for now we could at least just do something. If my Bible time today is the equivalent of an antibac wipe around the basin, it’s better than the nothing I might have done yesterday. And (like the wipe) it will do enough good so that my family will benefit from it.

So when things are getting a little hot under the collar this month, let’s defy Satan and lock ourselves in the toilet and pray.

I’m grateful to Paul and Penny Dawson for their wise counsel, which led me to write this post.

Just Be Honest

“How’s your week been?”

This is a question we get asked at church. It’s a good question! I wonder how you feel about answering it? It might depend on who is asking and whether they seem genuinely interested.

Sometimes your week has been so terrible that you’re not sure if you can talk about it, or whether the person innocently asking the question is ready to hear it.

I recently asked someone how their week had been and he said, “It’s been a really hard week.” Then he told me something really upsetting that had happened. I felt really sorry for him but I was so glad he actually gave me an honest answer!

Depending on what kind of church you go to, you may or may not feel comfortable expressing deep emotions in church. It might be that you can be totally honest with your church family, especially those closest to you. You might not feel that you have to put on a brave face for church and tell people “God is good” even when you’re feeling crushed. But sadly many Christians do. And if believers are not prepared for the reality of suffering, they may even walk away when things get really tough.

That’s why I love this book.

‘Just Be Honest’ is written for Christians who are hurting and for those who know someone who is.

Clint Watkins is very honest about his own experience of losing a child and how he struggled with God and with the weight of the grief. He gives us, from Scripture, permission to wrestle with the Lord, and to struggle. Many years ago my pastor said to me, ‘struggle is a sign of life.’ Dead things don’t struggle. Struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing. It’s a normal part of the Christian life:

God welcomes his people to worship through tears and pray without pretending. Aches, questions, and tears are a heritage of faith handed down to us through the generations. We belong to a legacy of lament. p.18

God’s people have always suffered. This book helps us to be honest about it and take our pain to the One who can heal us.

As well as being honest with God, this book is also about being honest with each other. He addresses those who need support and how they should let others in, as well as those who want to help but don’t know what to say and don’t want to say the wrong thing. He gives practical advice as well as spiritual encouragement, drawing on his own experiences:

This is the simple power of Christlike compassion. Show up. Shed tears. Lament, listen and love. p.143

Even while I was reading this book, I had several conversations with people where the words of the book came to mind. I suppose one reason for this is that, when you really stop to look around, there are people struggling and suffering everywhere. Yes, this is a wonderful, beautiful world. Yes, we have the victory in Jesus! Hallelujah!

But we’re also in the world that’s blighted by sin and Satan. We’re in the world where hopes are dashed, sickness thwarts and death separates. So we need books like this to help us shed God’s grace and light onto the path when grief or trauma is blocking the view and our loved ones can’t see a way forward. And when we’re the ones struggling, we need to go to the One with whom we can and must be truly honest.

Our grief was not ours alone to bear. Through lament, our friends and family took hold of our heartache. They made our sorrows their own. Our questions became their questions. Our groans became their groans. Their cries on our behalf resounded: we were not alone. p.113