Mum in Zone One

Years ago at a Christian festival I saw a stall selling ‘Sons not Dogs’ T-shirts. The idea behind these T-shirts was that in the Bible, people who don’t love God are sometimes described as dogs (e.g. Mark 7:27-28; Revelation 22:15 but probably no need to look them up), but believers are described as sons (Galatians 4:6; Hebrews 2:10). At least that’s what I think they were about.

It struck me at the time that this wasn’t a great evangelistic tool:
‘Hey, what’s your T shirt about?’
‘Oh it’s about how I’m a son of God, and you’re a dog.’
‘Ooh, really? Please tell me more about this God!’
I don’t think so.
(Perhaps I will now be inundated with people defending these T shirts: I shall have to cope with that.)

The other night I got chatting to a dog walker. A dog walker does what it says on the tin – walks dogs.  They walk dogs for people who have a dog and also have the money to pay someone to walk their dog.  (As I’ve possibly mentioned before, I live in London: Zone One.) I don’t know much about dogs, so in my attempt to make conversation (a ‘skill’ I’ve ridiculed before on this blog, I think!) I got chatting to her about the similarities between training a dog and raising a child.

Dogs respond well to clear boundaries – to rewards and sanctions and tone of voice – as do children. The lady I was chatting to told me that she sometimes gets criticised by strangers in the park for being too strict with her dog. When she’s giving him a ‘time out’ people ask if they can go and stroke him. Perhaps you, as a parent, may have come under criticism for being too strict with your children – although I find these are the same people who compliment your children on their good behaviour! Perhaps they should notice the connection? A friend who teaches dog obedience classes tells me that in those classes he’s training the owners more than he is training the dogs. In some ways that can seem true with parenting, can’t it? If you think about programmes like Supernanny, it’s the parents who are being trained, which then affects the children.

Perhaps you will disagree, but I think in our society today it’s pretty inoffensive to draw these comparisons between dogs and children. But it strikes me that this says something about our view of children. Because the thing is, of course: children are not dogs. And dogs (despite the ‘doggy prams’ I see being pushed down the street I live on), dogs are not children.

Children are made in God’s image. Children have complex emotions and unique personalities. Children are capable of goodness and kindness, and they’re also born sinners. Like their parents, they have corrupt motives and like to keep rules – if they get something out of it.

Looking at the outward behaviour of a child doesn’t always tell you what’s going on in their hearts. Sometimes a child is doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes a child is doing the wrong thing, but it’s not as wrong as the thing they were doing a month ago so you can see progress that others miss. Some children are born rebellious little mavericks, pushing every boundary from day one.   Some are natural Pharisees, sticking to the rule book and hoping everyone notices.

If we want our children just to behave (sit when we tell them, come when we shout ‘heel!’) then we can probably find a rule book, a formula that will help us to achieve this goal. If we want them to be disciples of Christ, then we’re going to need to show them Jesus every day, to be gracious to them and show them our own need of grace, to pray for them and acknowledge that we’re completely dependent on God’s merciful kindness. This might mean our children sometimes embarrass us. They might wee in inappropriate places and bite and show us up by not coming to us when we call them. But God knows we’re on a journey and we’re relying on his Spirit to change the hearts of our kids, rather than just relying on ourselves to change their behaviour.

Let’s see what Jesus thought of well behaved people who were performing tricks in the hope of a dog biscuit:

Be careful not to practise your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. (Matt 6:1)

‘Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness. (Matt 23:27-28)

Let’s not train our children like dogs. Let’s remember that they’re sons (and daughters).  But please don’t buy the T-shirt.

For more on this, I recommend ‘Shepherding a Child’s Heart’ by Paul David Tripp. You might not agree with all of the application, but the principles themselves are Biblical.

Mum in Zone One now has a Facebook page.  If you like reading this blog, could you please do me a huge favour and ‘like’ the Facebook page?  It’s called… wait for it… Mum in Zone One.  Thank you!

I’ve just read a really helpful post on the fantastic A New Name blog. Alice Buckley describes how she was struggling with doubts throughout writing a book that helps us teach children about Jesus. In some ways it’s not a surprise that as she produced a really helpful resource for the Kingdom, she was in a spiritual battle. I don’t know Alice at all so I’m not presuming to comment specifically on her situation, but I hope you see the more general point I’m making.

Since starting this blog almost a year ago, I have experienced spiritual doubts for the first time since becoming a follower of Jesus thirteen years ago. I’ve been humbled and amazed, really, to hear about people feeling really encouraged by some of my blog posts, and it therefore doesn’t surprise me that I have experienced a spiritual backlash because of it.

I’ve had a rotten week, but for no real reason. I’ve written about this before (Meltdown) – sometimes I cry or scream or run away (or just want to) but there’s no obvious trigger. People say, ‘How has your week been?’ and I say ‘Erm, not good.’ Then I’m supposed to give a reason! So sometimes I just say ‘Fine’ (I know, I shouldn’t lie).

To make matters worse, I hear about people with real problems in Pakistan, or the Sudan, or Kurdistan, and I think ‘Why can’t I pull myself together?’

Today I read Psalm 143, which helped me to pray and ask God for help. David prays this:

“The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.” (v3)

and this:

“Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD,
for I hide myself in you.”

But can I really pray this? David had some serious problems. Heavies were after him. Nobody is driving me from my home and forcing me to hide in a cave. But I definitely feel like I need God to protect me and help me.

Then I remembered Ephesians 6:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armour of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

I am in a battle. I am thankful that I live in a peaceful, stable place (remember this? Still doing it – it does help). But when I feel like I’m in a battle, it’s because I am.

I guess now I’m supposed to reach some sort of helpful conclusion. Well, I have three things to say to finish:

1. My mum is coming today so I need to clean the house, so I have to cut this one short, sorry!
2. I wanted you to know that I’ve been, to use a British understatement, a little emotional this week. So if you have too, I know how you feel.  I’d hate for you to think that because I have a blog I am confident and breezy.
3. When we feel rubbish, we need to preach to ourselves, not listen to ourselves. (Someone wise once said that but I’m afraid I don’t know who it was.) Read the Bible, think on God’s promises, listen to a good talk online, ask a friend to tell you the gospel, and pray!

And one more thing (I know, so unprofessional!) – excitingly Mum in Zone One is having a book giveaway in the next couple of weeks. The topic of the book? Dealing with doubts. So watch this space!

Often when I tell other mums I’m a Christian, they ask – ‘Do you pray with your children?’  I think they might be trying to figure out if being a Christian makes any real difference to my life.  I tend to say something like ‘Um, yeah but it’s more than that…’ and then fumble my way through some attempt at an explanation.
If you ever find yourself in this situation, you may find the post below helpful.  Either way, I hope it encourages you.  I was given four to five minutes to answer this question yesterday at church (they did forewarn me!) and this is what I said:

I’ve been asked to answer the question, ‘What does it mean to be a Christian Mum?’ Let me just say that I’m not up here because I’m an expert. I’m not the most experienced mum here, or the wisest mum or the mum with the best skills. And I know as well that there are loads of different kinds of mums here. There are married women who are mums, single mums, there are mums with tiny children and mums whose children are grown up. So we’ve all got different experiences but I just want to spend a few minutes encouraging you – and if you’re not a mum please listen too because we can always learn how to better encourage mums in the church family.

I think we’d all agree that being a mum is hard. It’s a wonderful blessing and it also can feel like a huge burden. Your children are a precious gift, but they also take a lot out of you. Some days you feel great as a mum. Other days you feel like you’re doing a terrible job and you’ve got nothing else to give. Sometimes everyone thinks you’re fine, but you’re just putting on a brave face. Really, you’re lonely, sick and tired and stressed.

So what difference does being a Christian make in this?

Let me show you a few verses from Hebrews Chapter 4:

13 Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to feel sympathy for our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

v13 – God sees everything you’re doing. Not just what you do, but what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling. He sees you when you’re up in the night with a baby; he sees you going without things so you can buy stuff your kids need. He sees, and he knows. So if you feel like nobody sees how hard you’re working for your kids or how difficult your situation is, remember this. God knows.

That’s great news, but it’s also a challenge. That means God sees my bad attitude even when I hide it from everyone else. And God really cares about that. I might be serving my kids every day, but if I’m annoyed about it and feel I deserve better, then he knows that and it doesn’t please him one bit.

But there’s more good news, look at the next bit – v14-15. If we’re Christians then we have a saviour who knows exactly how it feels to be tempted. He knows how it feels to be unappreciated. He came to earth to give his life for the very people who killed him. I might think my kids don’t appreciate all the washing I do for them, but they’re not trying to kill me. So Jesus knows better than we do how it feels to serve ungrateful people, and he knows temptation, too. So we can ask him for help. We can approach him boldly. Even when you’re having a bad day – you’ve shouted at the kids and you feel guilty and rubbish, you can approach God boldly because Jesus has paved the way for you to do that.

(Read v 16) When we ask God for help we get mercy and grace to help us in our time of need. Being a mum is certainly a needy job isn’t it? We need all the help we can get! And we need forgiveness because we keep messing it up. But let’s be honest about that. You can admit it to your kids, and your friends, and most of all to God.

So three things: God sees you all the time; Jesus knows how you’re feeling; and God’s grace and mercy can help us every day.

One more thing – as Christians we have the unique blessing of being part of a church family, so it would be great if as mums we can keep encouraging each other and asking each other for advice and sharing wisdom. I’m sure we can all learn a lot from each other, and we can all use encouragement because being a mum is a beautiful thing, but it is also… tough.

Hello folks, a website called ‘Threads’ has posted an article of mine – do take a look:

http://www.threadsuk.com/god-always-has-tissues/

My daughter had a theological discussion over lunch yesterday. She’s four. She came home and told me something about Mary (the Jesus’ mum Mary) which I know isn’t in the Bible.  My knee-jerk response was something like, “Oh that’s not true, someone made that up.”

Thankfully, my four-year-old will believe pretty much whatever I tell her at the moment. As a parent, that’s a pretty nice feeling isn’t it? It makes us feel powerful – especially since parents of teenagers assure us it will not last forever. I guess that’s why you end up with lists being published of ‘Great lies to tell your kids.’ (I’ve never found that very amusing, myself.) But I think it’s true to say that in general with little children, the parents are the teachers and they take what we say as truth.

This isn’t all bad, but I can see two problems with it. Firstly, we’re not always right. So if Miriam thinks I am the source of all knowledge, and one day she finds out I made a mistake about something (e.g. ‘Which is taller, Big Ben or Nelson’s Column?’ which she recently asked me loudly on a crowded bus), then how can she trust the other things I’ve told her? Hopefully one error won’t unravel everything I’ve ever taught her, but surely it may cast some doubt.

The second problem is that it’s quite a lot of pressure, isn’t it? What if I don’t know much? Or what if I do know some things but I’m not gifted at communicating those things to small children? If being a good mum means teaching my kids about stuff, then if I’m no good at that, am I no good as a mum?

So, what to do? Well here’s what I did with Miriam yesterday. I went back to her a few minutes later after I’d thought about it (whilst putting pyjamas on someone and extracting the baby from somewhere), and said this:
‘We know that’s not true because it’s not in the Bible. So next time someone tells you something you didn’t know about God or Jesus, come and tell me and we’ll see if it’s in the Bible. Then we’ll know if it’s true.’
It’s almost the same response, but not quite. By pointing Miriam to the Bible, I’m showing her that the Bible is our authority (since God is our authority and he’s revealed himself to us in the Bible). The flip side of this is that I am not the ultimate authority, so if I get stuff wrong it’s OK because Miriam knows I’m only human. God, on the other hand, never gets it wrong and never lies – not even to kids.

When I was little I remember my mum used to say, ‘Ask your Dad’ a lot – usually when I’d asked her the third or fourth probing question about a topic, and she’d exhausted her knowledge. She didn’t know the answer, but she was confident my Dad would (especially if it was something about cars or prog rock). And isn’t it a relief to know that we too can divert questions to someone else? Especially when that someone is the Lord. So if you think you’re not the best teacher, so what? You know the best teacher ever – his name is Jesus.

On Sunday we were hearing in church that Jesus’ teaching amazed everyone, even the Teachers of the Law and other religious big-wigs. And we were encouraged to hear that even though some people are really clever and use long words, and even know lots of stuff about theology, they’re not always right.  In Mark 12, Jesus put them to shame when they tried to catch him out with tricky questions. This is great news, especially when you don’t feel like you know much.

So isn’t it great that we can put our cards on the table with our kids and say, ‘I don’t know much, but let’s look at the Bible together and let Jesus teach us about our Father in heaven.’

The Bible has very little to say about Big Ben and Nelson’s Column, of course, but for those questions there’s always Google.

Hello lovely people!  As Mum in Zone One’s 1st Birthday approaches (!), I am trying to boost readership of my wee blog.  If you like a post and think it’s worth reading, it would be fantastic if you could share it on Facebook for me (or somewhere else?  I’m not completely social-network-savvy!).  I’m not twisting your arm or anything – please don’t feel obliged.  But I think only my friends can see it when I share a post on Facebook, so I know that when others share the link it rapidly increases the number of views.  So if you think something’s an encouragement, please don’t be shy – share away 🙂

More on the Birthday celebrations in the coming weeks…

My middle child started full time nursery this week, so I’ve had 2 and a half days of just me and the baby at home. If you’re at home and have children at school or nursery you’ll know how it feels to suddenly have a relatively quiet house, and not to know what to do with all the time you’ve got!  (I know one child is exhausting, don’t get me wrong!  But it is all relative.)  Time is precious, and I feel anxious to make the most of it. I feel a failure if the children get home from school and I am frantically trying to get the dinner ready even though I could have done it earlier.  I write lists and judge myself by how much I’ve ticked off.  And then there are so many opportunities to fill my time – what should I choose? I’m afraid to make the wrong decision and mess everything up. Should I help supervise swimming at school? Or should I read the Bible one-to-one with somebody? Or should I stay at home and take up that long-forgotten pastime – ironing? If you’re like me, you’ll find these choices overwhelming.

I’m reading through the Bible in a year – only it’s taking me almost exactly two years. For three weeks I’ve been reading through Ezekiel. I must admit, I haven’t always found it the most inspiring fifteen minutes of my day. Phrases like ‘A sword, a sword, drawn for the slaughter’ (ch21v28) haven’t always seemed like ointment for my aching soul. It’s been quite difficult some days to think of how to respond to what God is saying. That’s obviously my fault, I’m not making a complaint here about God’s word! But God pronounces judgment through Ezekiel for many, many pages, and then the book changes. He starts to give Ezekiel very specific instructions about rebuilding the temple. At this point I was able to see that God was doing something really exciting – preparing this rebellious people to have God with them again. (But I still got a little bit fidgety during the passages about cubits and handbreadths – again my own fault.) But yesterday, I reached the end of Ezekiel, and what I saw there (Ez 48:35) almost made me want to start reading the whole book over again:

‘And the name to the city from that time on will be:
THE LORD IS THERE.’

Wow. How completely mind-blowing, that the LORD, the Holy One, would redeem his wicked people to the extent that he will even put his Name on them. He would mark them, ‘The Lord’s’, and not be ashamed of them. Such mercy.

And it struck me that I am in an even better position than those redeemed Israelites, because I am filled with his Holy Spirit. He doesn’t just put his Name on me, but the Lord lives in me and in my church family by his Spirit. Even though I am a sinner, who can’t even read the Bible for ten minutes without getting impatient, and who snaps at the children and rolls her eyes at her husband, The Lord has put his mark on me (Ephesians 1:13).

So I sat there thinking, “What shall I do about this?” And since I’ve been wondering what to do with the extra time I now have between 9am and 3.30pm, I wondered, “How do I use my time to glorify God’s Name in my life?” Even more pressure!

Then, in my “Bible in One Year” book, this was part of the New Testament passage for the day:

The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray.  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.  Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.  Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.  If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 4:7-11

Time is precious – that’s what verse 7 is alluding to, right? We haven’t got long! Argh! So what should I do?

• v7: Pray.
• Love people. Be generous with my home and food (v9) and gifts (v10).
• Say kind things, and serve in God’s strength (v11).

So my priorities should be to pray, be godly, and serve others. This is how I bring glory to God. It’s not the ‘to do’ list I write myself each day, but it’s God’s “list” for me (and it’s not actually a list!).

This will look different for different people, and it doesn’t mean that’s all you do. Maybe I need to get a job, or volunteer at my children’s school, or study for a Masters (ha ha!). But I must remember that God’s priority is not that I fill every unforgiving minute with sixty seconds’ worth of distance run.* His priority is that I bring glory to him by the way I speak and act.

So if you’re asked, ‘What are you doing with yourself now that the kids are at school?’, don’t be ashamed to say, ‘Praying and reading the Bible, for starters.’

And now I might just go and write ‘The Lord is Here’ on my kitchen wall.

(*From Rudyard Kipling, If.)

I’m feeling pretty smug. I just cleaned the bathroom.

I don’t know about you, but I find motherhood an emotional rollercoaster. You don’t have good days or bad days so much as good half-hours and bad half-hours. My husband or a friend asks how my day has been, and I don’t know how to answer. Once my husband heard me saying ‘Yeah, fine’ to a friend who asked that question; he proceeded to read out a text I’d sent him early that afternoon which simply read, ‘Misery. Misery. Misery.’

If you’ll allow me to generalise and make assumptions, here are some examples of Things That Make Mums Happy:

• Baby ate pureed food I’d cooked
• Child enjoyed first day back at school
• Toddler didn’t wet himself today
• Teenager helped with washing up without being asked to do so
• Breastfeed only took 15 minutes
• Managed to make it to 4.30pm without switching TV on
• Children ate their vegetables
• Made it back from supermarket without any child or mum having a tantrum
• Nobody woke us in the night needing a cuddle/a wee/some calpol/a good telling off

You can imagine the things that make mums sad are the opposites of the above. You could also add: hormones; loneliness; disappointment-with-self etc. Hopefully you see what I’m getting at. Sometimes things go really well and we feel wonderful; other times this is not so.

I was thinking recently, though, that perhaps my bad days might actually be my good days. Sound like great news? Let me explain.

I was listening to a talk from Mark Chapter 10: first we head that James and John, Jesus’ disciples, asked Jesus if they could be next to him in heaven, ‘Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in your glory.’ (v37). Cheeky monkeys! They wanted Jesus to make them great. They were very close to Jesus – closer than most. They saw an opportunity to be leaders of the pack; top dogs; heroes. And the sad thing is that to some extent, we all want to be recognised and rewarded. That’s what the world around us tells us we should do, too. The world applauds those who’ve ‘made it’ to the top of the ladder, especially if they’ve had to push other people out of the way in the process.

I imagine when James and John asked this of Jesus, they were feeling pretty confident. They must have felt they’d earned their places next to him. But of course, Jesus didn’t see this as their finest moment: “… whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.” (V43-44)

God is not Alan Sugar (and vice versa, by the way). He doesn’t reward the proud. He lifts up the humble. And the next few verses of Mark 10 show us that beautifully. We see Jesus meeting a blind beggar called Bartimaeus. Bartimaeus is desperate. He doesn’t come to Jesus asking for greatness or with a long, articulate prayer. He’s begging for mercy: “Son of David, have mercy on me.” My Pastor once told me that if I ever feel I can’t pray, this is what I could pray. It’s really all you need. ‘Son of David’ recognises that Jesus is the King. And ‘have mercy on me’ acknowledges our desperate need. He only asked Jesus for what he needed, ‘Rabbi, I want to see.’ And once Jesus had healed him, Bartimaeus followed Jesus along the road.

Of course, Bartimaeus did physically want to be able to see, but in Mark’s gospel blindness is used to show us that we are spiritually blind, and we need Jesus to give us spiritual sight.

If you compare James and John with Bartimaeus, you’d think J&J are doing pretty well spiritually, and their lives are generally ‘in a good place.’ Bartimaeus, on the other hand, is a wreck. But looking at it in terms of their relationships with Jesus, actually Bartimaeus is much healthier spiritually because he knows his desperate need, and Jesus rewards him for that. He grants his request; he lifts up the humble.

So it occurred to me, as I listened to this talk, that on my worst days when I’m finding it hard just to breathe in and out without bursting into tears; when the clock slows down and I’ve hit a wall; when all I can pray is, ‘Help!’ and some other huffy-puffy, groany noises, that’s when I’m actually more like Bartimaeus. So maybe on those desperate days, Jesus considers it a day in which I’ve learnt to rely on him a bit more. So to him, that’s a good day. And, on my days when I’ve cleaned the house, visited the elderly, made paper machete with the kids (I’ve never done that) and got them to eat their veg, if I’m really proud of myself then perhaps Jesus doesn’t really see that as a brilliant day for me. Of course, I could do all of those things and be humble and thankful, but I think I’d be more like James and John, looking forward to the applause and medal I should be receiving any day now for being so blooming marvellous. I feel self-sufficient. So in short, my good days are often my bad days and my bad days are actually my good days!

So perhaps next time I wake up from a broken night feeling worse than I did when I collapsed into bed the night before, I can cry out for mercy and know that Jesus is teaching me to rely more on him. And this is exactly what I need.

I realise this doesn’t help you to answer the ‘How was your day?’ question. If anything, it makes it harder! Sorry about that.