Mum in Zone One

I wrote a post last week about the persecution of Christians in Iraq. It wasn’t anything ground-breaking, but just an ‘I knew that already! Thanks so much for telling me!’ moment. In a similar spirit, here’s another lie I don’t want to believe (and yet seem to believe) about what’s going on:
‘You can’t help.’

I don’t know if you’re on a mailing list with Open Doors are Barnabas Fund or Tearfund or any similar organisation – if so you’ll know the feeling I get when I see the envelope on the doormat or the email heading in my inbox. Do I dare read it? And then I do, and I stand weeping in the kitchen over a mother in Nigeria, who is just like me except she lives in Nigeria. And I might find I can send off some money, tick the GiftAid box and know I’ve done a bit to help. But it never feels like enough.   And the lie echoes around, ‘You can’t help them. You are powerless. And all your crying and your worrying about them won’t make their situations any better.’ If only I’d become a Politician or an Aid Worker instead of a House Wife.

It is true, of course, that worrying about those families in the Middle East, or Africa, or North Korea, won’t help them at all. But I am actually powerful to help them, because I have the ear of the President. No, sorry, not the President – the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. I don’t even have to dial a number. He hears me, even if I don’t speak out loud. Can he change the situation in Syria? Iraq? Nigeria? North Korea? Ukraine? Gaza? Of course he can.

Even my kids can effect change in this way – the way of prayer, that is. I recently heard a 3-year-old, when asked by her dad what a Christian is, say ‘They’re people with brown skin who live in other countries.’ Her Dad was pretty embarrassed about the brown skin comment, but I actually thought it was beautiful. It showed me that, probably several times a week if not daily, her mum sits her down and says something like ‘We’re going to pray for these Christians because they are being treated badly…’ So what this 3-year-old thought of when she heard the word ‘Christians,’ was the persecuted Church. Isn’t that a challenge?

I’m not going to give my children details of the dangers these brothers and sisters of ours face, but I can give them enough to equip them to pray, and in doing so to teach them that we’re part of a Global Church, and that we trust our God to answer our prayers.

Ephesians 6:18 says “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.” The world thinks we’re naïve, delusional, mad or worse. But the Bible tells us to pray, and tells us that God hears us. ‘The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.’ Since in Christ we are righteous, this must be true for us.

A couple of weeks ago my husband went along to Parliament Square to pray with a bunch of strangers (Christian Londoners) for another bunch of strangers (Christian Iraqis). It didn’t make the headlines, and no legally-binding agreement was made. But that gathering was more powerful to change the lot of the Iraqi Christian than any gathering held in the House of Commons that week. Thank the Lord he does use the politicians and the diplomats and the soldiers, but doesn’t that all start with the prayers of his people?

“But I don’t know what to pray.”
If you don’t know what to pray, why not start with ‘Lord, I don’t know what to pray!’ Satan would love it if we never started because we didn’t know how to start. Remember this from Romans 8, which comes slap bang in the middle of a bit about suffering: ‘In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.’ (vv 26-27)

“It’s hard to believe that prayer makes a difference.”
If you need more inspiration to pray (and who doesn’t?), try looking up ‘John Piper prayer causes things’ on Youtube. I watched it at an 8am prayer meeting once and it certainly woke us all up! As he says there, “It is simply staggering that the Sovereign Ruler of the Universe would ordain that prayers cause things.”

The trouble with having a blog about motherhood is that you’ve got to be a mother, and being a mother doesn’t give you much time to write on a blog. So please bear with me when I’m gone for a few weeks! I’m afraid you might not like this blog post much! I was really challenged by a sermon last week and I’ve tried to articulate it here. Read it if you dare!

I read an article a while back about HIP parenting. No, it doesn’t mean you listen to Pharrell while you spoon feed – HIP stands for High Investment Parenting. This is when the family life revolves around the child’s or children’s education and extra-curricular life. You can probably think of a few problems this may cause, as could the writer Anna Maxted: ‘Middle-class parents intent on giving their kids the childhood they never had may be putting their families at risk.’ But in the UK, and I suspect many other societies, this has become very normal. And if someone looked at my family, would they see HIP parents? Do our lives revolve around our children? And if so, is that wrong?

Jesus could have been anything he’d wanted to be. You think your child has potential? How good do you think Jesus was at carpentry? Public speaking? Hebrew? He could have ruled the world if he’d wanted to. That’s what Satan told him in the wilderness (Matt 4:8-9), and that’s what Peter tried to tell him in Mark 8, when Jesus told the disciples that he needed to die and rise again. This plan seemed like madness to Peter, but Jesus could see the bigger picture.

Being a king on earth wasn’t enough – Jesus was building the eternal, perfect Kingdom. He had chosen to suffer and die to rescue countless believers, bringing them into the Kingdom to worship God forever in the new creation.

Usually I am in the habit of seeing life a bit like Peter did in Mark 8 – meaning I see the here and now, and I want it to be brilliant. I want to enjoy myself; I want to triumph over my daily tasks; I want glory in this life. But that’s because my view of life, and God, are too small.

After Peter had rebuked Jesus for predicting his death, here’s what Jesus said, not just to his disciples but also to the crowds:

‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.’ (8:34-35)

Jesus denied himself many things: a glittering career; fame and fortune; a throne; even his own life. But for what? For the gospel. So it seems to be that if I want to be Jesus’ disciple, then I need to deny myself and take up my cross. I don’t know exactly what that will mean, but I think it would be a good start if I set aside my own sinful desires every single day, and asked the Holy Spirit to show me how to follow Jesus instead.

As parents we deny ourselves many things: sleep; expensive luxuries; personal space; sometimes a successful career; adult conversation; a clean and tidy home. But for what? Well, we could do all that and still not be denying ourselves in the way Jesus means it here. If we’re doing it just for our children, then we’re not living as disciples of Jesus. Our ultimate goal should always be for God to get the glory. That’s a challenge, isn’t it?

And how should this affect the way I treat my children? What about their potential? What if they’re extremely gifted at football, or reading, or gymnastics, or the flute? Wouldn’t I be a terrible mother if I didn’t put as much energy and resources I could into making sure they realise that potential? Well, let’s see what Jesus says:

What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.’ (8:36-38)

My fear should not be that my son will miss out on a football career and I’ll be to blame. It shouldn’t be that my daughter could win X Factor but will never know because I can’t afford singing lessons. My fear should be that my children gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul; that they will be ashamed of Jesus when he comes back to judge them. I need to see the bigger picture. I need to invest in their eternal lives, not just in the next 80ish years.

Please don’t read me wrong here. I’m not saying that we just lock our children in their rooms and teach them nothing but the Bible until they’re 18, ignoring their God-given talents and attributes and dismissing all other activities as worldly and wicked. But I hope you’ll agree that in our Western soccer-mum driven, extra-curricular mad, HIP parenting society we are not in much danger of neglecting our children’s gifts and talents. I believe we’re more in danger of (inadvertently) teaching our children that they need to get the most out of this life, using the skills they’ve got. Jesus didn’t do that, and he’s the pattern we’re supposed to be following.

The wonderful thing is that although Jesus says ‘deny yourself’, in the long run it’s not really denying ourselves is it? We deny ourselves here and now, but long term we gain everything. We inherit eternal life. ‘For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.’

 

Did you know that in India alone there are over 2000 people groups unreached by the gospel? In Britain, as a reached nation rich in resources, it’s right that we should put world mission front and centre in our churches. Yes, people in the Home Counties need to hear about Jesus, but they already can. Children in Saudi Arabia are pretty unlikely to know anything about the Lord Jesus, so let’s give some thought to that.

On our church weekend away last week there was a theme of diversity in the church. We looked at Revelation 7: ‘After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb.’ Do you see? In heaven the church is diverse. We won’t all merge into clones. So we need to do two things:

• We need to preach the gospel to every people group God has made.
• We need to celebrate diversity in our churches, as we unite as brothers and sisters in Christ.

This is a tough task, and to many mums it might seem like mission impossible. World mission is something that other people do. Maybe when my children are grown up, I’ll be able to start thinking about world mission. But at the moment, I’ve got enough on my plate, and I don’t have opportunities to take part in world mission, even if I had the energy.

But maybe we need to take another look at our situations. No matter who we are, if we’re Christians we can be praying for people all over the world. What an amazing thing, that we can partner with missionaries and Bible translators all over the globe by turning to God in prayer. At the moment it is Ramadan, and I’ve been given a booklet so that I can pray for Muslims each day of Ramadan (http://www.30-days.net). What a wonderful thing, that we can make a difference by coming to God in prayer in our own bedrooms.

This has got me thinking more about the School Gate. When I had my first baby, I spent a year and a half wanting to make friends with local mums and not really managing to do that. Then I had another baby, so making friends with anyone became even more difficult. Then, just as I had another baby and no time to make friends or even make a cuppa, I arrived at the School Gate – a place where even the most reserved, reticent or rude mother finds it hard not to say hello. You see pretty much the same people ten times a week for 39 weeks of the year. Come on, even if you’re shy it’s easy to pass the time of day. Nobody can call you OTT because you crack a smile. And if you are really shy, there’s bound to be one or two mums there who aren’t. Let them be the facilitators! My lovely friend organises coffees and day trips with the mums in our daughters’ class. All I have to do is turn up.

And if you live in an urban area like I do, you’ll find you can do world mission round the corner from your house. I’m probably not going to travel to Northern Iraq to evangelise the Kurds, but praise God! He has brought a surprising number of Kurds to my school gate. I don’t plan on moving my family to Afghanistan any time soon, but the Lord in his wisdom has brought Afghan asylum seekers to my child’s classroom. And almost certainly I will not be moving to Berkshire to share the gospel with the super rich, but I can witness to them, too, at my humble school gate while they spend their weekdays in London. And if your school gate is made up of people just like you, and not multicultural in the slightest, then God hasn’t put you in that mission field by accident. Local mission is no less important than world mission. These people need to hear the gospel, whatever their tribe or tongue.

You’re hopefully thinking, ‘Catherine I’ve been doing this for years, what’s your point?’ But if you’re a bit daunted by the idea of School Gate as Mission Field, here are a few ideas that might help:

1. Talk to people. That’s a good place to start! I have spent years honing my abilities to talk to strangers, usually spouting completely uninteresting bits of information that I can laugh about later. But I’ve found that this waffling does tend to put people at ease! (A recent low – or high? – point: ‘Oh you’re from Finland?… My son looks Swedish!’) I’m not suggesting you learn to waffle – you should of course just be yourself! But I heard an evangelist once say that you can’t preach the gospel unless you start by talking to people. And if that means you have to start watching Eastenders when you’d rather be watching University Challenge (or vice versa) I’m afraid that’s a price you might have to pay for the sake of the gospel!
2. Pray for wisdom. Wonderfully, the school gate really has too many people for you to make friends with. Ask God to guide you towards people you can genuinely connect with, and who might be receptive to the gospel.
3. Don’t discriminate. Sometimes I think, for various reasons, that I won’t ‘click’ with a certain person. This is a terrible attitude, coming I think from various irrational and sinful prejudices. How refreshing it would be if we could love everyone and not turn a blind eye to some. God’s already surprised me that I can genuinely get on with people who say phrases like, ‘And do you have a place in the country?’ And why should I be surprised? Shame on me.
4. Include your children. It would be a wonderful thing if our children saw from a young age the need for everyone to hear the gospel. God wants to glorify himself, and what better way to show people his glory than to share with them the news of his great rescue? Our kids can pray with us for their classmates and their families.

You have opportunities that many people in your church don’t have. Your pastor might do the school run, but he can’t really start asking mums for their phone numbers and inviting them for coffee. People working in an office do make friends with their colleagues, but the work they’re doing can often prevent them from having in-depth conversations about life and death. And loads of Christians – the elderly, the unemployed, and many with jobs – just don’t have contact with many people the way you do. I waited three-and-a-half years to make friends with mums, and I’m thankful to God that I now have several. I love having friends! Friends to share coffee with; friends to get advice from; friends who understand that 5pm feeling; friends who desperately need to hear the amazing news that Jesus Christ is Lord.

In our small group recently we were talking about idols of our culture – the things people around us live for. We split into groups of three and chose an idol per group to discuss. One group chose beauty, and they then shared their thoughts with the group. They talked about how the idol of beauty promises respect and acceptance, and how it requires your absolute devotion, and of course that it never delivers on its promises. It might be a surprise to you that it was three men who chose to discuss the idol of beauty. Not once did they refer to, or seemingly think about, the ways in which women seek after beauty. They were looking at the issue from a man’s perspective, and thinking about the men they knew who were slaves to the false god of skin-deep, body-building perfection.

Maybe I’m just slow, but when I read about teaching my children the truth about beauty, I tend to focus on my daughter and not my sons. I expect it will be a bigger issue for her, and maybe I’m right. But my sons need to know what true beauty is too. I can think of three reasons for this:

1. Recognising true beauty will help them worship God. God is the beautiful one – he defines beauty. So if my sons can enjoy true beauty, then they can gaze upon God and enjoy him. They will also see true beauty in God’s creation and give God the glory for it. But if their understanding of beauty is distorted, how can they truly enjoy and treasure God?

One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
  
all the days of my life,

to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    
and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4

2. As I learnt from my brothers in our small group, the pressure to be ‘beautiful’ in the world’s terms are in no way reserved for women. As an example, Channel 4 recently made a documentary called ‘Extreme Male Beauty.’ They say, ‘With chiselled flesh and perfect grooming the norm, now it’s men feeling the pressure to look great.’ Perhaps my sons will have friends who are addicted to the gym. Perhaps they will have friends who all the girls fancy. Maybe they’ll see male models in adverts and magazines, or the tweezed and airbrushed actors in their favourite films and they might believe the lie. They might wonder if physical beauty will win them respect and will get them the girl.  What a dangerous world they’re living in.  I need to teach my son that his heart matters more than his haircut.

3. One day (soon!) my boys will be taking an interest in girls. I know, it’s a horrible thought. But if I teach my sons about true beauty now, I believe I am doing my future daughters-in-law a great favour. This might sound mean, but I do know some men who have clearly been raised well and who have great things to offer in a relationship, but who repeatedly choose women for their physical appearance rather than any inner beauty. I feel sorry for women whose sons have married less-than-lovely women who look good on their arm. I don’t want to be one of those women! For my son’s sakes, and for God’s glory, I want them to marry women who have the inner beauty of Proverbs 31: Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (v 30).

If you’re wondering how I’m going to go about this, you are not alone. I might start by figuring out what true beauty is myself! I’m off to buy True Beauty by Carolyn Mahaney and Nicole Whitacre, and I’ll let you know how I get on…

One lucky friend of mine came round for dinner recently – the dinner I made with the above ingredients.  She enjoyed it!  All thanks to Jack Monroe.  If you would like to be able to afford to have people over for dinner but struggle (or just struggle with the food bill in general), hop on over to Good Reads to find out how A Girl Called Jack has helped me.

Last weekend was the first time since our baby was born (10 and a half months ago) that my husband and I have been away from the children for longer than a few hours.  In fact we went away for a long weekend.  We got the train up to Edinburgh, and along the way we threw our three children overboard into the arms of my parents, who took very good care of them for three days and three nights, woo hoo!
If you are married, I hope that you sometimes get chance to get away for a day or longer with your spouse.  I know many parents who never even go out for the evening without their children – maybe you find yourself in that category.  It might be that you’d love to have some alone time but you don’t have the opportunity – nobody to babysit being the biggest barrier I suppose.  However I would like to encourage you to find a way of going out for the evening or longer, to spend some time with your spouse without your children.  Five ways it helps us:
1.  It helps us put us marriage first.  In the busy-ness of life (the day-to-day blur of folding the washing and wiping things down and ‘Did you know it’s parents’ evening?’ and ‘Have you phoned the gas man?’ and ‘What does your mum want for her birthday?’ and ‘Whose turn is it to change the wriggly baby’s nappy?’) it’s easy to focus on the children to the point where they become the priority.  This might seem loving at first, but what our kids need is for their parents to love and support each other.  Biblically I should prioritise God, then my husband, and then my kids.  So having a breather together, with no distractions, is great for our relationship, which is ultimately great for the children, too (good to remember that when feeling guilty for throwing them off a train).
2. It reminds me how lovely the children are.  Taking a step back from looking after the children helps me to appreciate how precious they are and to remember their amazing qualities.  I often get so bogged down in how hard work it is looking after them, that I forget what a blessing they are.  Or I am just so busy doing the practical stuff that I don’t notice how fun they are to be with or how their characters are taking shape.  Thinking and talking about them from a distance helps me to repent of this.
3. It reminds me that there’s a whole wide world out there, beyond the stretch of road between my flat and the school gate.  My husband works in the real grown-up world, where people have exposable income, read the newspaper and talk about politics.  I live in a world of pureed food, finger painting and Igglepiggle.  And that’s OK, really, but for many reasons it’s good if I sometimes broaden my perspective.  For one thing, it’s probably quite nice for my husband if I am a bit more aware of the world he’s living in.  Also, one day my children will be older and it will help if I haven’t forgotten who the Prime Minister is or how to talk to someone who has never heard of baby-led weaning and doesn’t know a Bumbo from a Bugaboo.
4.  It gives me time to read my book.  Reading is good.
5.  It helps me get perspective.  We can have long chats about stuff we have been too tired/frazzled to talk about.  We might even make some important decisions.  Usually not, but it’s a start.

There are many more reasons to spend some time with your spouse, but I’m going to stop at five.  I do think sometimes people can feel it’s very selfish to spend time without the children, so I just wanted to encourage you that it’s a really good thing to do.  Everyone needs a holiday sometimes, not least mothers.  And, in the words of Claire from Modern Family, when you go on a holiday with your children, ‘It’s not a vacation, it’s a business trip.’